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Thongs Be Gone

Comedian Gail Forrest celebrates the return of "granny panties" to the fashion realm and says goodbye to mind-numbing waxing

HALLELUJAH! Granny panties are back and making a fashion splash. My dream has come true. No more binding, itching, extreme waxing, or spending the day pulling underwear up or out of my butt. Thongs be gone! Welcome back, soft, comfy, waxing-free undies. Thank you, ARQ for realizing that some of us just aren’t enjoying seeing ourselves in teenie tiny underpants that spend more time riding up than staying put. The rise in the new ARQ “granny pants” is so steep it goes up and over your belly button. Yea, no more wondering where my thong disappeared. 

I am so excited, except for the price at $28 a pair. Ouch, babe because I was a Target eight-pair buyer at $9.95 a pack. However, I spent hours there ripping open the packaging to see if they were soft as I am very averse to itchy material. And the sizing made me nuts as who can decipher the inches of your waist and butt while shopping? I know I shouldn’t be opening every package, but the pictures were not always accurate. I did become expert at putting them back without a trace of ripping.

I have piles of underpants that are too tight, chafe my legs, or require mind-numbing waxing to wear and not look like a primate

I never thought anything could be harder than finding a comfortable bra, but I was wrong.  I have piles of underpants that are too tight, chafe my legs, or require mind-numbing waxing to wear and not look like a primate. And trust me, there is no way I will submit to the extreme sport of waxing – the Brazilian! It’s the bikini wax gone rogue, the mother of all waxes, the kill-me-now waxing off of all your pubic hair. I do not want to become a prepubescent girl again. I think Kate Moss was behind this conspiracy as she looks oddly hairless.

I remember back to the simple comfortable days of Carters underpants when I was a little girl. They were white, soft, waist high and stayed in place. I had no complaints. No thoughts of whether my underwear was sexy, just wearable. Those were the good years.   Enter Victoria’s Secret and the game changed. Sexy underwear was on the runway. The less material the better. I tried on pair after pair and never looked like the models but a Thanksgiving turkey. Self-esteem took a nosedive. Everywhere I shopped the underwear was tiny and tight yet they were all that fit under the new low-cut jeans. I was doomed to years of itching and shaving in places no one should dare venture with a razor.

Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde.

I am incredulous at those Olympic volleyball girls in their itsy bitsy teenie weenie bikinis.  I’m surprised the pants stay on and wonder about the sand up their butts. I can barely fathom the full-body waxing they must endure. I would stand there hairy and scratching the entire game. The Norwegian girls decided they preferred wearing shorts and controversy ensued. The Olympic committee must be pervy old men.  

I have waited years for comfort to return as breaking fashion news

I don’t think men have this underwear problem. It’s simple: boxers or briefs. I do, however, know that companies are designing razors for men to shave down in the “manscaping zone.” I dare them to submit to a Brazilian wax and not cry or be able to walk. 

Apparently, ARQ has achieved a miracle in the world of under panties. I have never put miracle and underwear in the same sentence but it’s possible! They conform and flatter every body shape…yes, even mine! Here’s the best part: say goodbye to elastic seams and hello to bound edging that is fabric and folded over to create a hem. Itching and rashes be gone. I have waited years for comfort to return as breaking fashion news. Anna Wintour, are you paying attention to us comfort junkies?

Are they sexy? Do I care? Those are two very good questions. And I can only answer for myself. 

What’s your answer?

P.S. I am not a brand ambassador!

16 COMMENTS

    • Are you kidding? There is no better topic than how many decades women have masochistically chosen to live in utter discomfort and downright pain as slaves to a “fashion style” that only looks good on size 00 super models and how NOW we regular sized human women don’t give a duck *f* any longer. Save the word “thong” for east coasters’ discussing flip-flops. THOSE are thongs: floppy useless blister-causing temporary-use foam foot pads.
      Women choosing comfort in underwear over fashion trends IS A FANTASTIC topic. You go gurrrl.

      • That is so great to read. I agree completely and my question is….who do we wear underwear for….ourselves or ???
        Given how uncomfortable it can be I am skeptical as to whether we wear it for ourselves.

  1. Thanks for the laugh 😂 Hear, hear and hurrah to granny panties, Gail!

    Or „harvest knickers“ as I call them… all is safely gathered in 😉

  2. No one was ever “forced” to wear thong underwear. It was a ridiculous fad that lasted too long. And there has always been good, comfortable underwear that isn’t for grannies, either.
    Opt for comfort…..not tight, but not too big, either.
    No thongs…..but no “granny” underwear two sizes too big, either.

    • Well it seems like there is now grannie pants that fit really well and not too droopy. I just want soft cotton what doesn’t bind or fall down so I spend the day pulling up my underpants. Thongs were never ever my choice …. ugh but each to her own!

  3. Hey Gail,
    My answer is Hanky Panky. Who better than 2 whip smart female entrepreneurs to convince retailers back in the late 70’s that they could make a profit by selling underwear to women using half the material and doubling the price? Brilliant!

    They certainly convinced me. This baby has been a Hanky Panky lover for over 30 years. The thong so comfortable you’ll think you just went commando.

    PS. I am not a brand ambassador nor do I get a cent for my 2 cents. Isn’t that refreshing?

    • Never tried them but you’re right genius marketing and planning. Never heard they were comfortable however. The brand ambassadors are everywhere so who knows what the truth is about any product anymore. And I thank you for your 2 cents, for which you didn’t get paid 2 cents!

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Gail Forrest
Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest recently started doing standup which she finds is a complete blast. Gonepausal is her blog and she has a book on Amazon by the same name filled with stories of her skewed, funny view on midlife and all its attendant surprises. Humor is the only way forward at this point.

 

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