Thongs Be Gone

HALLELUJAH! Granny panties are back and making a fashion splash. My dream has come true. No more binding, itching, extreme waxing, or spending the day pulling underwear up or out of my butt. Thongs be gone! Welcome back, soft, comfy, waxing-free undies. Thank you, ARQ for realizing that some of us just aren’t enjoying seeing ourselves in teenie tiny underpants that spend more time riding up than staying put. The rise in the new ARQ “granny pants” is so steep it goes up and over your belly button. Yea, no more wondering where my thong disappeared. 

I am so excited, except for the price at $28 a pair. Ouch, babe because I was a Target eight-pair buyer at $9.95 a pack. However, I spent hours there ripping open the packaging to see if they were soft as I am very averse to itchy material. And the sizing made me nuts as who can decipher the inches of your waist and butt while shopping? I know I shouldn’t be opening every package, but the pictures were not always accurate. I did become expert at putting them back without a trace of ripping.

I have piles of underpants that are too tight, chafe my legs, or require mind-numbing waxing to wear and not look like a primate

I never thought anything could be harder than finding a comfortable bra, but I was wrong.  I have piles of underpants that are too tight, chafe my legs, or require mind-numbing waxing to wear and not look like a primate. And trust me, there is no way I will submit to the extreme sport of waxing – the Brazilian! It’s the bikini wax gone rogue, the mother of all waxes, the kill-me-now waxing off of all your pubic hair. I do not want to become a prepubescent girl again. I think Kate Moss was behind this conspiracy as she looks oddly hairless.

I remember back to the simple comfortable days of Carters underpants when I was a little girl. They were white, soft, waist high and stayed in place. I had no complaints. No thoughts of whether my underwear was sexy, just wearable. Those were the good years.   Enter Victoria’s Secret and the game changed. Sexy underwear was on the runway. The less material the better. I tried on pair after pair and never looked like the models but a Thanksgiving turkey. Self-esteem took a nosedive. Everywhere I shopped the underwear was tiny and tight yet they were all that fit under the new low-cut jeans. I was doomed to years of itching and shaving in places no one should dare venture with a razor.

I am incredulous at those Olympic volleyball girls in their itsy bitsy teenie weenie bikinis.  I’m surprised the pants stay on and wonder about the sand up their butts. I can barely fathom the full-body waxing they must endure. I would stand there hairy and scratching the entire game. The Norwegian girls decided they preferred wearing shorts and controversy ensued. The Olympic committee must be pervy old men.  

I have waited years for comfort to return as breaking fashion news

I don’t think men have this underwear problem. It’s simple: boxers or briefs. I do, however, know that companies are designing razors for men to shave down in the “manscaping zone.” I dare them to submit to a Brazilian wax and not cry or be able to walk. 

Apparently, ARQ has achieved a miracle in the world of under panties. I have never put miracle and underwear in the same sentence but it’s possible! They conform and flatter every body shape…yes, even mine! Here’s the best part: say goodbye to elastic seams and hello to bound edging that is fabric and folded over to create a hem. Itching and rashes be gone. I have waited years for comfort to return as breaking fashion news. Anna Wintour, are you paying attention to us comfort junkies?

Are they sexy? Do I care? Those are two very good questions. And I can only answer for myself. 

What’s your answer?

P.S. I am not a brand ambassador!