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The Gravity of Dating

Comedian Gail Forrest has tried everything on Earth to find a date. Is speed dating in an airplane the answer?

I was certain I had tried every conceivable method to find a date. Everything, I say! I have been on multiple dating sites, multiple times. I felt like a lifer with no possibility of parole. Let me out already; I’ve paid my dues over and over. I wrote profiles that were as extensive as an appeal to the Supreme Court. I even tried searching for more exotic ways to describe myself short of my bra size which is that of an 8th grade girl so not “hot” but, depending on your sense of humor, amusing.  I considered putting one of my hobbies as watching porn but knew I’d be busted when I said my favorite stars were Rachel, Monica, Ross, Joey and Chandler.

I decided to bribe my friends because one of them had to know a single man

I went so far one year as to resort to bribery. It’s true; I decided to try and bribe my friends, including the mailman (he sees a lot of people, mind you), because one of them had to know a single man. Statistics beg half the adult population is divorced. The question that haunted me was: Where is that half and how come no one I know knows them? That was not possible. I had to investigate further.

I needed a new strategic marketing plan and concluded bribery was incentivizing. I decided to offer either cash or a trip to Paris to the person, including the mailman, who found me an LTR (dating lingo for “long term relationship”). Yes, there’s a special language. The sites had failed me and I was convinced there was nothing like cash or Paris to jolt my friends into action.

“Sorry, honey, we just got back from Paris.” Huh?!

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“I never really meet anyone on my route except women.” It figures.

“I’m always busy with the kids and besides don’t know anyone who isn’t married.” Could be lying.

My conclusion: I needed new friends.

It used to be so easy. My dog was a man magnet when I was in my twenties in New York City. Every time out the door my trusty Golden Retriever Jonah brought me a man. Men were everywhere. It was like fishing in a stocked pond. One November afternoon in the middle of Central Park my good luck charm retrieved a husband. And years later in the lobby of The Museum of Modern Art I found a new one on my own. Manhattan was man land!

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Things have changed, however, and flash forward forty years: we’re talkin’ a whole different story. The stocked pond has a greenish film and amoebic looking fish. I walk outside with my little rescue dog Tulip and I’m invisible, except to people asking me to join the Church of Scientology or handing me a home improvement flyer. I’m so over.

Speed Dating While Flying

Or am I? I just read about a new way to meet, mingle, and date. Apparently, a Taiwanese airline EVA is up to tricks. Granted, during Covid this is very risky business but conceptually intriguing. It’s time to get off the internet and also the ground! Their slogan is “Fly! Love is in the Air.” Well, in my case it’s got to be a hell of a lot better than my luck on Earth. It’s speed dating while you’re circling the airport in a plane and not in your car searching for parking. Mingle and hook up while masked and flying. Is it hotter to meet a random stranger miles up than on terra firma? I can only hope. You get randomly paired with a seatmate and just maybe that spark or chemistry happens. It makes me nostalgic for the good old days of the Mile High Club. If your seatmate is a bad match there is a fancy gourmet mixer back at the airport to try your luck again with the other daters.

What an exciting prospect, with just one little caveat. I don’t like to fly. For me, it sounds a lot hotter on paper than it would be in the air. To be honest, I have rarely flown totally sober. I’ve been sighted at the airport bar at 6:00 am downing what looks like a healthy glass of orange juice but truthfully it’s disproportionately mixed with not-so-healthy vodka. Barely conscious is my kind of flight. Whoever is my seatmate would get an earful on my fear of flying which lacks a comedic ending. And if we encountered turbulence, crying and cutting off the circulation in his arm might be a deal breaker. He would ultimately be imagining our future vacations in a car.

Although I love the idea of finding love in the air and ridding myself of these earthly bonds of dating sites, I think I would have to sadly wait back at the gate and once again try my luck in the grip of gravity.

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Spoiler Alert: I was never a member of the Mile High Club.

Breaking News: Still hoping

8 COMMENTS

  1. I’ve hidden my profile on POF for 4 – 5 months now, and think I’ll wait until vaccines are more available. I read this, hoping for some inspiration – nope! LOL I don’t mind flying, but meeting someone like that? I’d either get a seatmate who was 85 and looked like my dad or someone who is 40 wearing a Harley costume. Whew – how much time do you have to stay on the plane? Love your posts! And I sympathize!

    • I think it’s a short ride -one hour. According to this particular airline the demographic is quite young as part of their rules. I would have to wait for when they have a geriatric flight – complete with defibrillators! I too have not thought of going on a real date until the vaccination comes my way – which I hope is soon. Dating is tough at mid life and beyond…..a new landscape that’s for sure. Thanks for reading!

  2. Nothing with making new friends! And don’t feel bad, I haven’t been on a date in 20 years, and frankly I have not missed it. I thought that 2020 would be a good year to dip my toes in the water again, and wouldn’t you know, the universe had other ideas LOL. Oh well, I am practicing my new “entrance” and reading your posts. Thank you for the laughter and hey, any new ideas is welcome! Here’s to us finding dates in 2021!!!

    • Well I think we are going to have to vaccine screen through 2021; at least that is what I’ll be doing. All our dating plans were shot in 2020 and sorry because it sounds like you wanted to give it a try. I’m at the end of my rope with new ideas short of paying an escort service – ha ha and I’m too cheap! I would love to see your new “entrance.” Is royalty driven.

  3. Loved your article, especially the last comment about the HFC.
    I think I know lots of women and men who feel the same. The dating sites are a horror story for women. The men there only want one thing.
    The pictures —- overgrown beards, oily hair, fish? Motorcycles? What are they thinking? I called it my winter hobby, certainly nothing there that would work for both. It’s easy for an older man to date a younger woman, not so easy the other way around.
    Anyway, thanks, I sure enjoy your writing. SR

    • Thanks Sherry, but I’m not sure men are having such a good go of it either as unless they have a lot of money what younger woman would put up with them?! Ick, ick, ick. I think women should start going younger and have a few friends who have married much younger than themselves and still going strong. I want one of those as you should see the men who “like” me on Match….OMG it makes me almost nauseous. Well thank you for being a reader and for the comment!

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Gail Forrest
Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest recently started doing standup which she finds is a complete blast. Gonepausal is her blog and she has a book on Amazon by the same name filled with stories of her skewed, funny view on midlife and all its attendant surprises. Humor is the only way forward at this point.

 

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