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Out Out, Damn Algorithms!

Comedian Gail Forrest ponders the benefits of matchmaking over online dating. But maybe there is another option...

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me a Match. Wait, hold everything. Stop! No matches; I changed my mind. I am not willing to fork over $25,000 to $100,000 to as high as $250,000 for a date(s). I just read, however, matchmakers are back because the pandemic has made it harder for single people to meet. I get it, because unless a man was willing to date me by waving up to my third floor window and had night vision goggles I was going to be dateless. As it turns out, I was, but now I want off the third floor, no night vision goggles, and an up close and personal person. Hmmm… but an expensive matchmaker who promises a more exclusive set of dates than a dating site algorithm? And who charges more than a Porsche — which, by the way, might attract as many men and, if not, I have a Porsche? I don’t think so. Just as risky, I could buy bitcoin and gamble with my money in crypto currency instead of promises of love and connection by a complete stranger who wants me to sign on the dotted line with no guarantees. Matchmaking is not a regulated industry except if you consider YELP reviews credible research.

Truthfully, I have approximately $200 in discretionary income so looking for love at Starbucks works better with my budget than Patti

I admit years ago I did watch “The Millionaire Matchmaker” Patti Stanger but, truthfully, found her taste in men different from mine. Regardless of how much their net worth I turned the channel. Besides which these days she would have to be the $250 million dollar matchmaker to be in sync with the stock market and my bills. Truthfully, I have approximately $200 in discretionary income so looking for love at Starbucks works better with my budget than Patti.

Sadly, I am still held captive to dating sites as you can’t beat the price, especially when they hold a special or when you threaten to leave and they lure you back with the next six months for half off. The Siren call of Match.com. “Gail stay with us for half off!” They know me too well and that I read The Odyssey. I am, however, not a believer in algorithms finding my soul mate. First of all, algorithms have very poor judgement and do not read my profile and man criteria carefully. I do not want to walk on the beach, gaze at a sunset or, even worse, ski.  I hate snow and winter and yet recently got a message from a man who loved all of the above, but mostly cuddling on cold winter nights. If this sounds romantic and your type of guy, you can have him! I also have a height, age, and mileage range and yet get men: short, old and 1500 miles away. Hey, algorithms refresh! Dating sites, however, have allowed me to crown myself The Queen of One Date, and create a Bad Date Hall of Fame, which nicely go hand in hand. Of course there is always the friendly person behind you in line at Trader Joe’s who knows someone who knew someone who heard of someone who successfully used a dating site and got married.  

 

Bad Date with Steve Carell and Tina Fey

And yet here I sit pondering matchmakers and algorithms — could I have sent my parents out on the man hunt?

Critically thinking, did my mother really know best when she brazenly pulled aside J. Solomon at a funeral and suggested his son and I would make a good match?  Maybe Mom was on to something, yet I rebelliously yanked her away. There are, according to Google, 1.38 billion people in India and 95% of the marriages are arranged with an almost unheard of divorce rate!

And yet here I sit pondering matchmakers and algorithms — could I have sent my parents out on the man hunt? If it took a dowry, however, my Dad would never have left the house. He was a penurious man so I would have been SOL. My mother, on the other hand, being a shopaholic, would have offered up anything she could buy at Neimans. My first husband, who I found all on my own, suited them perfectly; exactly what they were looking for.  Tragically for them, in the end, he was not what I was looking for. Husband two filled their bill also. I was on a roll in parent approval. They didn’t have to do anything but put out cheese and crackers and an occasional brisket. In the end it didn’t matter as I became something other than an algorithm … a statistic in the 50% divorce rate in the US.  Is a move to India in my dating future? Unfortunately, I don’t like the food.

It appears my options are not options.  I do, however, have a new brilliant idea. It’s cheap, portable, requires no contracts, or iffy algorithms.

The MAGIC 8 BALL

12 COMMENTS

  1. Actually somebody today suggested that AMAZON should take over the dating sites so that you can get a man delivered in 2days. and even more important if it doesn’t work out you can take the guy back to KOHLS and return him free.

  2. A couple of years ago, a professional matchmaker contacted me. I was suspicious from the start because she was a gentile. She sent me a portfolio of Melania Trumps. There was not a natural boob to be seen anywhere in the profiles.

  3. OMG! This is hilarious! Made me laugh out loud!

    Please let us know if the Magic 8 Ball works!

    Signed,
    Desperate

    PS James R. Miller – I agree – a GENIUS idea! My only problem is that I live about 35 miles from the nearest Kohl’s, so the ‘return’ trip could be uncomfortable. . .

    • Yes I agree a long ride to Kohl’s would definitely pose some problems! I will keep you posted on my success with the Magic 8 Ball. Perhaps after that is a good crystal ball complete with a fortune teller! Glad I made you laugh.

  4. Anne Lamott got married at 65yo and Norma Kamali, 75yo, is engaged, proving what I always say: there’s a lid for every pot. Gail, I used to follow you on Instagram and I’ve missed seeing your posts since leaving IG. Love that you’re a contributing writer here!

    • Thanks so much. I still do Instagram but admittedly have not done new videos in a while…covid grounded me and my videographer! Hope to be back at it soon. Btw as a fun piece of gossip I used to hang with Norma’s old boyfriend Vinnie (omg so cute!) back in Nyc in the seventies. Well I am still looking for a lid, but you gave me an idea for a funny video and if I don’t write it down I’ll forget.

      It is fun to write here on Ageist and I am so glad you are reading my pieces!!

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Gail Forrest
Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest recently started doing standup which she finds is a complete blast. Gonepausal is her blog and she has a book on Amazon by the same name filled with stories of her skewed, funny view on midlife and all its attendant surprises. Humor is the only way forward at this point.

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