Recently, out on a Match.com date, a 76-year-old man asked me if women over 60 still want to have sex. Just as a warning, he stated on his profile that he was 66; funny math, I’d say. And men protest that women fudge the numbers! Geez. Because of his question I had to wonder if he was having a stroke or was that his best “line” to get me in bed? Should I have called an ambulance or ripped off my blouse and jumped up yelling “yes, yes, yes I will prove we do.” I watched closely to see if his mouth was drooping as he continued to explain that his friends have told him menopausal and post-menopausal women turn into shriveled up prunes, drier than the Sahara. Hmmm, his friends are well traveled and constipated. He also cited that he had never slept with a woman over 60 as his ex-wife was 20 years younger than he. How’s that for seduction? Hot or not?
My friend Rick likes to call sex over sixty “senior citizen sex” which by definition is accurate but makes me want to cringe and re-claim my virginity. It begs my wondering if that’s possible after enough sexless years have passed. Could be tempting. To be a virgin again sounds like a place to hide from old guys with sagging balls. “And yes, men, they sag just like breasts.” You see, it’s not that women don’t want to have sex with men over sixty, it’s just that the idea doesn’t fill our every waking moment or, depending on the man, any moment. It’s tough out there in man land to find a hand to hold, a good cuddle, a new best friend, no less a hot sex life; or so I have witnessed, but as of yet not totally convinced. I wanted hope and not prunes.
I decided to do some research before I jumped to any more sad conclusions as I could be wrong. Can sex still be hot over sixty? I needed to know what my demographic was thinking and doing when it came to their sex life.
The men I queried were more than happy to pour their hearts out about women and sex regardless of my taking them by surprise with the question. I was expecting silence or “huh?” Interestingly, the common denominator was performance anxiety and also the desire for closeness. An enlightening and honest confession.
The Male Point of View
“I am always afraid my mind will make a promise my body can’t keep.”
“My sex life slowed down significantly after sixty because it coincided with my wife losing interest in sex with me. Now looking for psychological as well as physical intimacy.”
“If a woman is confident and comfortable in her own skin that makes them more attractive. Sex can definitely be hot. Knowing what to expect from your body because of experience is key.”
“It can be great with the right person at this age – more open, expressive, meaningful, wise, and a sense of thinking you have a future with the person.”
“I will never tire of kissing or making out on a park bench regardless of age.”
And then there was the 24-year-old guy in my comedy class who said he figures at 60 he will have no interest in sex. I think the question grossed him out, like picturing his parents having sex, only it’s him!
The Women Talked a Different Game
“Ugh, zero interest, terrible, sex doesn’t exist. I have three friends who haven’t had sex in over nine years. I feel too fat and if I was thinner I would feel better about it. Not even on the horizon.”
“No desire. Just like the foreplay. Would like to meet someone new but don’t care about the sex. I like a good kisser, though.”
“The chance of me and my husband being into it at the same time is rare! I can’t remember the last time. I also worry about Viagra and his heart issue and also with all the medication he’s on things don’t always work”.
“Depends on the guy and a hot older man would be a big YES!”
“Sixty-four and better than ever!”
“I’m all for it. It’s my husband that’s the problem.”
Is there a shelf life to hot sex? I tend to be a pessimist with only occasional bouts of optimism so I believe there is definitely sex over sixty, but as for hot – I can always depend on a prune Danish!
Gail… the answer is YES
Awesome!
Holy guacamole! People, sex can be one of the best things in life. I’m 62, and long married. Like many women, menopause drop-kicked my libido hard into the Land of Not Interested. But a few years ago, I suddenly realized that I wasn’t going to give up that part of my life so soon. After some deeply personal and difficult conversations with my husband, I started working on this issue (him too). First up, getting a female dr on board to check any health issues, and deal with no drive. After a few months, I felt 100% better and my sex drive returned–not the blazing craziness of my 20s, but a deeper, far more interesting simmer. Together, we’ve found that damn frank conversations about what we want, removing old misconceptions about age, and patience, have all led to a more fulfilling sex life. We learned to talk about very personal things,, and boy, it was challenging! It was so worth it. We have a different sex life than 30 years ago, but it’s more intimate in so many ways.
Here’s probably the most critical roadblock I figured out–Don’t give up sex just because society tells you that you’re not sexually viable anymore!!! I didn’t realize how potent those voices were until i started down this road. As a woman, we become invisible at some point, which is such a rejection. Both men and women (as well as same sex couples) accept the role of Really Excellent Roommates. Yes, the body changes. But it’s still beautiful if you take the time to really feel, touch, smell, and revel in it. Accept that orgasm may not be the end result every single time. The pleasure and fulfillment you get from sexual intimacy is so worth the effort and can give you satisfaction you didn’t expect. Give up those ideas of keeping new sexual experiences off the table just because of age. Bandage, role play, oral, fantasy, spanking sound interesting? Try it! Nothing is wrong or bad unless it doesn’t turn you on. Read some romance, both of you–there are a ton of books that include lots of different ideas for any type of couples.
Most importantly–refuse to throw in the towel. Your age means nothing, and don’t listen to those voices that say we’re not worthy of sexual pleasure. It’s simply not true.
What a great great description of how to remain sexual. I think it was great that you went to such lengths to find a way back to sexuality and your husband was right along side of you! Thanks for your encouraging and brave, insightful words! I will remember them.
Thanks for that, but you know, it wasn’t “great lengths.” It was some really personal conversations about seriously personal things, a ton of truly naked honesty, and doing a bit of research. I don’t feel like I slogged through the desert! The worst and hardest part is overcoming that cultural siren song that sings to us that we’re invisible, dried up, not viable sexually anymore. Of course youth and beauty are embraced as the standard.for sexuality. But you know what supercedes all that is confidence. Confidence is sexy and attractive at any age, in any physical condition, male or female. Once I got some of my confidence back, everything changed.
Echoing Rebecca……Find a Dr. who knows about older women and sex. I found such a Dr. and she revived my sex life. At 65, I have a partner that is 6 years younger than I am and I’m experiencing some of the best sex I’ve ever had. Age, wisdome and some great medications to thank for that. I can’t tell you how many women my age have said to me that their doctors never bring up the conversation of sex after menopause. I took several of my doctor’s business cards (she is a gyn who specializes in older women’s sexuality) and hand them out liberally. There IS sex after 60 but you have to deal with the facts of aging including “vaginal atrophy”.. It is not a lost cause.
Thanks for your input, and all women should know this because menopause is a game changer! I am glad you found a path forward and are having great sex. Women should demand more from the medical community as men got the go ahead from Big Pharma via Viagra and Cialis
Could you share what medications your Dr. recommended? I’m in the UK, and sometimes we have to push for what we want, so it’s good to be knowledgeable and be able to present the facts!
Good question for all of us!
Bio identical hormone therapy is the answer. See Dr. Denise Bogard’s website…she is an aging well medical doctor located in Roseville, CA.
I have heard about them but never investigated. Thanks for the info! Happy sex to all of us.
Sorry, my comment above was to Jane.
Great article and really thought provoking, Gail.
Thank you and thanks for reading!
My man and I have found a wonderful new sex life in our 60’s. Our relationship started as acquaintances and grew to friendship, and then to a sex life that I never knew was possible. We feel like we are in our 20’s but better. We both discovered a deeper tender passion based on an appreciation of our new lives. Our sex life is an expression of the love that we have discovered for each other. I might add that my man’s libido was super-charged from the beginning!
That is a great story. I believe a friendship can grow into something very special as the two of you have discovered. It is very encouraging to hear stories such as yours. Bravo and congratulations!
Ladies, what are some of the otc products you use for lubricant or vag moisture? I live in Canada.
I have used Slippery Stuff which is not bad, everyone has their favorite. I would call your ob-gyne . I am going to discuss with mine. I hope other women answer for you.
Hey there–I’m a big fan of Oil of Love, by Kama Sutra, in the original flavor…it gets warm when you blow on it and it tastes great. I’ve never had any reaction such as inflammation, UTIs, etc. after many years of use. Another favorite is Penchant Premium
N, an odorless, tasteless, very slippery high grade silicone lube that’s fantastic. Again, no reaction problems of any kind after several years of use. You can also use these with toys. As you get back in touch with yourself, so to speak. I HIGHLY recommend a great little toy called the Vesper vibrator necklace by Crave. Fantastic toy, best I’ve ever tried, and easy to recharge with your laptop or tablet. Worth every penny. Just don’t be afraid to try things! One last thing–try these great wipes by a company called Good Wipes, made here in Atlanta. They’re ph-balanced, great for bathroom cleanup or just a refreshener before/after sex or workout. They are totally safe for plumbing AND septic, unlike most wipes. We’re huge fans, check them out.
Oops, that lubricant is called Penchant Premium, the extra letter was a typo. All the items I mentioned are available on Amazon.
Thanks so much for the information. My brain ust is not in the mood lately which is presenting a problem. I think so much of sex is in our heads as well as the lack of estrogen. I am not sure why I can’t get my brain on the right track as I meditate, exercise, and try and keep my neuropathways on track, but still not in the mood. Any suggestions you fabulous women?
I’m starting to feel like a stalker on this thread…but i can’t just let it go. Getting my own drive/sexuality back has been so important for me. It makes my heart hurt to hear women younger than me say that they’ve given up on that part of their lives or they’ve thrown in the towel. I am honestly outraged at the cultural messages thrown at women non-stop that they aren’t sexual or viable or visible after a certain age. I feel that those messages crush our confidence, which in turn kills our interest. You can only listen to those messages and words for so long before you believe them.
I noticed something when I was in the depths of my deadness. I found myself intrigued by some images. Although I’m an artist (in my mind, anyway, or maybe just really crafty) I have not been very interested or titilated by visual images, even porn. Many women aren’t excited or turned on by naked, sexual, or pornographic pics. I think many images are from a male perspective. But one day, I found myself looking with a different eye at some sexual images. It was purely accidental. After my initial embarrassment (I know, but true) I did begin to think more about those images. Then I started to seek them out. I never really got into “straight up” porn, but I did look for sexual images, including short vids of people having sex (all varieties of couples). The more I looked, the more I started thinking about what I wanted from a sexual perspective. And over some months, I felt my interest returning. That was an important driver in my decision to step back out into my own sexuality. Since then, I am much more visual. I’m more enticed, excited, and turned on by images. This was never true when I was younger.
As my interest increased, I started seeking out more spicey romance. As a woman with a more literary bend, this seemed silly at first. But I found some decent authors who wrote pretty well, and wrote more mature characters, and also found topics outside my comfort zone, like BDSM, role playing, scifi aliens, shifters, and a crazy variety of things I really knew nothing about. And ultimately, I’ve found some Newland exciting ideas. Getting my husband to read books like this was a huge challenge. I started pulling sections for him to look at, and I also read passages to him. This got his attention, and excited me too. I’ve also written some of my own scenes.
Maybe these ideas can help you, too.
Thank you for that answer and glad you found a path to renewed sexuality. Yes, this culture dispenses with older women and sex. We have become the detritus of society.
One last thing–there’s a stunning amount of shame associated with women who view naked/sexual images, porn, or books that include explicit sex. That’s just bulls$&t, in every sense. Do your best to push that aside. It’s just patriarchal old school cultural shame that’s been associated with women’s sexuality as Original Sin. There’s nothing wrong, sick, or perverted about women who get excited by sexual images and writings. EXPLORE IT ALL!!!
I agree with Rebecca that we should be in tune with our sexuality and no ashamed of it just because our age or gender. It’s part of our well-being and sure having a healthy sexual life impact our longevity
Thanks so much and I agree
Thank you for sharing and talking about this! I feel like it is so taboo sometimes to bring acknowledgment that women, well people, in their 60s are still having sex, and great sex at that! I was just doing some reading with great studies that backed up how happy and healthy people in their 60s and beyond are having great sex, https://www.ez.insure/landing/2022/01/sex-survey-in-your-sixties/ . I would love to hear your thoughts on it!
Regardless of all the statistics in the article it is still a very personal decision made one person at a time. I think men never tire of sex unless they have some physical disability and even then they would not turn it down. Of course big Pharma has given them a kick in the ass haven’t they with Viagra, Cialis etc. I think Mother Nature short changed women as without estrogen sex drives drop and sandpaper sex arrives….use your imagination. Of course there is hrt treatment but no one is clear on the risk element. And yes Viagra etc can cause major health risks but men don’t seem to care. Sexual attraction plays a big role in all of this if you are single and that my dear is a tough road to hoe. I am happy for the women still loving their sex life. It is a personal decision and need. As for me I loved my forties! The best decade ever for sex. Now I have a lot of other things on my mind and do not spend a much time thinking about my sex life. I had a great run and if that was it….I’m good.